Sabrina, 39, lives in Drôme with her husband and their daughter Alma. Her experience of motherhood, and all that it entails, literally changed everything. She tells us about her whirlwind of life.
I always knew I wanted children. It's something that was in me, without my necessarily formalizing it. I come from a small provincial town, and when I moved to Paris around the age of 24, I lived to the full. I met my first husband, we were young, we traveled and worked a lot, we took advantage of our relationship by saying to each other: “ We'll see later ”. In my thirties, I was really ready to start a family, but we weren't aligned on the subject at all. So we broke up for that exact reason. I could not, even out of love, sacrifice my desire for motherhood.
Despite this painful and difficult ordeal, I was rather lucky, because I then met my new companion, who is today an extraordinary dad. When our relationship started, I was over 35, too, so we very quickly touched on the issue of children. We started to realize our desire to become parents in January 2019.
In the months that followed, I got pregnant twice… But I had two consecutive early miscarriages. I find that women are not sufficiently prepared for this ordeal, although it is frequent. It was a shock, I did not expect it at all. I then got pregnant with Alma in September 2019, so let's just say it actually took me 6 months to have a viable pregnancy that I allowed myself to believe in.
My difficulties therefore resided in the fact of perpetuating my pregnancy, and not in conceiving. Beyond the emotional impact, it provoked questions and curiosity in me, initiated steps to consult specialists such as a naturopath, and clearly put me on the path to a new professional life [ Sabrina est the co-founder of BOOME Editor's note ] .
9 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS
At the beginning of my pregnancy, because of my miscarriages, I was very freaked out. I really released the pressure after 4 or 5 months, after doing the first trimester ultrasound and having all my positive test results. I announced the news to people other than my relatives, I made an official announcement on Instagram [laughs…], I wanted everyone to know it, but the relaxation lasted two short months, not even, since in March the COVID fell on us! I had the combo: so-called late pregnancy - since I was 37 - and a global pandemic! So I lived my end of pregnancy in the anguish of catching this virus, in isolation, and the frustration of not taking advantage of my maternity leave during sunny days, taking beautiful walks, savoring these last moments before meeting my baby. We lived in an apartment in Paris, but I was still lucky: my living room was facing south, so I could take in the light every day.
I was very anxious about my delivery, which happened after 9 months and 2 days of pregnancy. I think subconsciously I didn't want to let my daughter out of my womb. I repeated to myself: “ Not now, not now! ”, I wanted to delay the deadline, because for a long time, maternities forbade dads to attend the delivery. I found it incredibly violent. In the end, this scenario did not take place because I gave birth after deconfinement, and without a mask, but it ended with an emergency cesarean section. I think that the context and the anxiety that this generated in me caused a moment of restraint, which led to a birth different from the one I wanted...
My postpartum was a tsunami. I collapsed. Already, I did not feel supported during my stay at the maternity ward, I did not find the staff caring. Finding yourself at night with your baby without the presence of the dad, feeding him, changing him alone, while I was suffering terribly from post-operative pain, was also extremely violent, so much so that I had an anxiety attack. the day before I leave. That's what it took for them to take my daughter away from me, so I could sleep for 3 hours. I was at the bottom of the bucket, and I wanted to go home at all costs. For various reasons, it was not possible until a week after my entry.
When I got home, my parents, who had been able to catch a train, were waiting for us. I was in so much pain that I gave them Alma, I went to lie down in my bed to recuperate, and 15 days of non-stop tears followed. I was so happy and at the same time so upset not to recover faster, to have so much pain for my caesarean section scar… They keep repeating to us: “ You forget everything, you'll see! ”, but I don't forget anything [laughs…] . I am in no hurry to go through all this again, even if I want other children. Also concerning the feelings, I have an incredible love for my daughter, but it took me a long time to feel like a mother, to realize that she was my daughter, to really meet her. Everything breaks down as time goes by, there is this love and this bond that is established, but it was not immediate, it is not true that it is always the case. All that to say that it was a profound upheaval, I did not expect to see such a difficult postpartum.
It took me a long time to regain my feelings, for the pain to subside (at least 6 months!), to have confidence in myself, to look at myself in a mirror. I am one of those women who have been really heckled. Psychologically and physically, I would say that I started to find a balance, 15 months later. All this also goes with a profound change of life: we left Paris, we wake up to the sound of birds, I have a garden, I see my daughter evolve in nature, I got closer to my family. This pregnancy has been the trigger for changes in my life, on all points. Personal, but also professional, because it is my problems and the states in which I found myself, which pushed me to inform myself and to note that there were missing solutions to certain needs of women who go through maternity. . And that it was urgent to respond to it, with benevolence, modernity, naturalness, everything we need in this period. This answer, it exists now, it is called BOOME, and I am very proud of it!